We are all on a quest to be loved. Our struggle with anxiety is rooted in the reasonings and methods developed in childhood to cover our shame. [It is only LOVE that relieves our sense of shame.]

My anxiety was rooted in irrational belief that if I performed perfectly, people would love me.

As a child, I was acutely aware of shame. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but even though I was very loved by my parents, I felt unworthy of love.

I lived my childhood seeking to understand how to act in such a way as to earn or keep favor or love. I equated love with human approval.

I studied my father so I wouldn’t upset him; I so feared his disapproval. I studied girls in school, to try to figure out how to earn their friendship.

I was my own idol — I relied on my performance rather than trusting God loved me.



Friends were my idols — I craved their approval and allowed their opinions to define me.

I didn’t uncover these vices until I fell into the pit. Then it became imperative to get to the root of my illness before it strangled the life out of me.



(I will talk about fear of man in contrast to fear of the Lord in a future post. It’s very important.)

Back in the garden, when our mother Eve forsook trust in our good God resulting in disobedience to Him, she was broken off, just as He had warned Adam. Genesis 2:16

Adam followed Eve in disobedience and the whole human race became broken. Broken from fellowship with God — because sin separates us from God who is holy — sin made us incomplete.

It was like we lost our skin. We come with our souls bare, missing the layer that protects from the elements.

Flesh burns when it has no skin.

If you know the story, with sin came shame. Adam and Eve hid from God and covered themselves with whatever they could find. That is still what we do. We “cover” ourselves with things that we keep having to sew over and over and over . . . Until one day, the repetitive process causes a break-down and need for repairs.

With repetitive action with our hands, we get carpal tunnel. With repetitive use of the knee, we get knee replacements. With repetitive anxious thoughts, we wear down our serotonin supply as we tax our adrenal system and we get the dizzy feeling, dry mouth, shortness of breath and the general urge to flee from an invisible bear whose growling we alone can hear.

So, we are all broken (broken off from our union with God) and we wear ourselves out trying to cover our incompleteness because nothing really works apart from reconciliation with God.



[This applies to any vice — not only self-reliance, but anger, manipulation, alcoholism, chronic lying, sexual immorality, etc — all are different types of “fig-leaves”]

God, who is perfectly just could not simply overlook sin. (Don’t you hate it when there’s no acknowledgement or reparation when you’ve been wounded, misunderstood, or betrayed? Justice is GOOD.) But He loved the people He made for Himself so much that He devised a plan for restoration.

Sacrificing His Son, He satisfied His wrath against the injustice of our rebellion. Hebrews 9:22

In order to be reconciled to God, Jesus had to die in our place to satisfy the righteous wrath of God. Isaiah 53:5

It is only through repenting of our sin (agreeing with God that we rely on our own methods — and seek restoration without Him) that we turn to Jesus for forgiveness. Then He covers us with His own blood, and sticks His skin on us forever. Mark 1:15



The One who loves perfectly is the perfect and forever covering for our bare souls. Once we are in Him, we are no longer slaves to sin. We are free from shame as children of God.

Freedom is a process. Sometimes we hear stories of insta-deliverance. The alcoholic loses the desire to drink in a moment and never returns to it. The person with a disorder is miraculously healed. But those stories are the exception, not the norm.

I wanted to be delivered instantaneously from anxiety. Everyone does. But it was a process, one I am grateful now for. Somehow I knew going through that the process was necessary for several reasons. First, that the lessons I’d learn would stick.

What I didn’t share in my last post was that I had “fallen in a pit” once before but I didn’t go in so deep — but I forgot the lessons that led me out.

In 1995 I experienced anxiety for about four months. God healed me through doing a Woman’s Aglow Bible study on the book of Philippians (Keys to Contentment), a book called “The Confident Woman, Knowing Who You Are In Christ” by Anabele Gilham. And a vivid dream in which I heard Him say, “Kathy, you are working so hard for something you already have! Righteousness.”

I’d written about the dream in my Bible study book, but forgot. It all came flooding back when I ran across the book and read what I’d written. I’d been trying to cover my unrighteousness with my own “good” behavior once again. Spinning myself dizzy.

Unfortunately, by late 1999, I’d forgotten all I’d learned and fell deeper into the pit mentioned in my last post.

So, don’t be discouraged if the process of deliverance seems slow. But also expect to gain ground on your quest for freedom as you learn from my experiences here.

*I need to mention that though I only had need of meds for a year, we are all different, and I know of others who need them regularly, and walk in freedom in Christ with Him and medication. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And He wants us whole more than we do!

Recall childhood memories that impacted you. Consider your feelings, thoughts and actions in the scenarios that come to mind.



Process: Were the people who impacted you in your memories acting in ways that were good and true? (Jesus will help you see and forgive offenses) Were there beliefs in your heart that don’t line up with the truth that you are a beloved child of God? What methods did you use to order your world? Who might you ask to meet and pray with you?

Part 1

Part 3